Thursday, May 17, 2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Recently, I've ran into multiple blogs in my Google reader that have posted a list of "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You". It started here, an article that faced and exposed the truth that a lot of blogs and bloggers talk mostly about the "icing" in their lives and not the "cake" or the real parts. The blog world (along with Pinterest) is full of beautiful, styled images and less about real life. So, Ez from Creature Comforts posted this in reponse to the original article and started a chain of bloggers willing to list a few "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" and about the reality of blogging and how we should not compare ourselves to others because their reality may be different than what they show on the outside. I find this is totally true in real life as well. So many people are afraid to be real and show their true selves because of some kind of feeling that they have to have their life, marriage, kids, etc appear flawless. That in turn makes others around them feel this need to measure up to them and compare their lives to others when in fact, things may not be as peachy as they appear to be.

I have really appreciated reading a few of them and one of my favorite party blogs was motivated and inspired to completely change their blogging format. I'm sad because I loved seeing all the beautifully styled shoots, but I COMPLETELY get it! When we started Heirloom's website, it was more in the form of a blog and we felt the constant stress and pressure to post something amazing every week. It was way too stressful and completely unnecessary for us to feel that way, so we are in the process of changing it to be more of a website with a blog component where we will be posting REAL work.

After reading multiple posts with people's lists of "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" and random comments from friends over the past few months (things like, "you're so good at this, I'm terrible at it" or "you seem to have everything so put together"), I was really inspired to write my own. I really don't have many readers, mostly family and a few close friends, and I don't have ads or anything special about our blog, but I thought posting this out there in the open would bring some reality to those few readers and myself. I'm actually pretty nervous to post this, but here it goes.

1. I have a growing fear of something bad happening. The biggest one lately is that something bad will happen to Mike since he is driving so late at night for work. Some nights I'm wide awake, looking at the clock and hoping he's ok. Most nights I try to pray for his safety. I sit there and fear that I'll wake up and he won't be there in the morning, but every morning he is there, safe and sound. I really would love to get rid of this fear, it eats away at me some nights.

2. Designing for myself is one of the hardest things ever. I actually hate it and wish I could hire someone else to do it for me, but I'm too embarrassed to admit that to another designer. Sometimes I'll spend hours trying to design a new look for our blog and end up hating everything and I end up going with something so simple and boring and never really liking it. I get mad at myself for not knowing what colors and styles represent me and end up just giving up.

3. I'm incredibly sensitive with certain things, but am learning how to deal with it. I've always been very sensitive and caring for other people's feelings and feel incredibly guilty when I think I've caused someone to be upset or mad, even when I did nothing wrong. I also get really hurt when I feel like I am helping someone out (which I like to do and it gives me happiness to do that), but when those same things aren't reciprocated back to me when I need them most, I get upset and over analyze things. Which is odd, because when someone does try to help me, I feel guilty and bad that they are spending time on me. This really makes no sense, but I'm trying to put others' emotions to the side a little bit and let them deal with that while I deal with my own.

4. Procrastination is something I deal with every day. I have so many things I'd love to do and try and places in life and my health I'd like to get to, but I just seem to always put them off. In turn it makes me feel guilty and overwhelmed with everything around me...yet I do nothing about it. Its a silly cycle and I don't understand it.

5. I have a quickly growing desire to have a baby. No, we are not pregnant right now. Yes, we would like to be, possibly in the next year. Everyone says to enjoy your married time together, and we have been and do, but I can't help but have a desire to want to have a baby. Yikes, that is scary to admit! Another confession, Mother's Day was really difficult for me this year. I felt so selfish feeling that way, but I couldn't help it. All I could think about was how I'm the only one in our families that doesn't have a baby or one on the way and how badly I wanted that with Mike. Those feelings had nothing to do with "everyone else has a kid, so I wanted one too" though, but more about wanting that connection and relationship with a child and my husband and us having our own little family. This all seemed to really hit me after we signed for our new house and cancelled our Europe trip.

Wow, it feels good to get all those things out there and I realize that I have some things to work on. Guilt, fear, worry, comparison and anxiety are things I struggle with and have been trying to deal with and pray about. I encourage you to make a list of things you hold inside that you would be afraid to tell others. Even if you don't blog them or even tell them to anyone else, it really does feel great to get those things out there and give ourselves a necessary reality check.

Life isn't perfect, and thats ok. :)

Image via Creature Comforts

6 comments:

  1. This was such a sweet post. Thanks for sharing, Jana!

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    1. Thanks for reading, Teagan! I was really nervous about posting this.

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  2. Wow Jana, that took guts and I admire you for having enough of them to write this post. Very inspiring. -Bri

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  3. That is so brave/awesome of you to put your fears out there for the world to read. I think that we all have issues with comparing ourselves to other peoples happiness. It's just a part of life. But when we recognize it and become more aware of being that way, I think it allows us to try a little harder to be a little better everyday. We live in a very competitive world and it makes it difficult you feel like you have to be perfect. But the one thing that gets me through (and I will say this because I know you are a spiritual girl) is knowing that Jesus Christ is the ONLY perfect person. Everybody has trials (they just don't tend to share them in the blogging world most of the time.) :) You are great Jana! Now I 'm going to admit something-- I have compared myself to you! Ha! I guess that grass is always greener on the other side!

    You are amazing. :)

    Erin

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    1. Erin, you are TOO sweet! I do think the grass seems greener on the other side which is a big reason why I wrote this post. Sometimes I feel like I just always post happy/cheery pics of completed design work, pretty wedding pics and how excited we are for our house, but there's so much more behind all that. I have lots of daily struggles over here! Glad you enjoyed reading this. :)

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